5 Ways to Stay Sane if you have a Horrible Boss
First off, if you were compelled to read this, I’m sorry. It’s really hard to work with a challenging boss. I use the word “boss” intentionally because as many of us now know, there’s a big difference between being a ‘boss’ and a ‘leader.’ Leaders think of their people first. Their goal is to support and develop their teams and they don’t tolerate unnecessary drama. I also want to put this information in context. For the purposes of this article, I define a ‘horrible boss’ as someone who is completely unaware of how their action or inaction impacts their team. If you feel your boss has crossed a line from being horrible to abusive, then please document your experience and go to HR for support.
You may be in the position where you like the company you work with, you like what you do, but your boss has you dreaming of happily announcing “I quit!” and walking out. The relationships we have with our bosses/leaders can have serious impacts on our self-confidence, relationships at home, and overall mental health.
For most people, quitting without having another job isn’t realistic. So we’ve put together some suggestions on how to protect yourself in the interim.
Here are FIVE WAYS TO STAY SANE IF YOU HAVE A HORRIBLE BOSS:
It’s Not About You. Or Is It?
There are many reasons why horrible bosses exist; they have no self-awareness, the company doesn’t invest in helping them become great leaders, they’re insecure, they’re overwhelmed, they’re more interested in numbers, the list goes on. Sometimes, it really isn’t about you, which is important to remember and may help you release some of the anger or frustration. However, I think it’s always a good practice to ask. “How have I contributed to this situation?” Does the leader trigger an irrational or emotional reaction in you? Are they holding you accountable, which makes you uncomfortable? Being self-aware always helps us move through challenging situations. It isn’t easy, but it’s worth it long-term.
Courageous Conversations
Speak up. If you’re still game to improve the relationship, approach your boss and be honest about how their actions/words are impacting you. Bring up specific examples to help them understand your perspective.
A couple of ideas:
“I’d like to have a discussion about your priorities to ensure we are getting you what you need when you need it. Over the last couple of months, we’ve dropped our current work for last-minute projects you bring to us. But you’re disappointed when our regular work isn’t done on the original deadline. “
"Can we talk about our working relationship? I feel like you aren’t happy with my work but I don’t know why. I’m not getting feedback from you on how I can improve, which would be really helpful to me.”
If direct and honest conversations are not helping, bring your concerns to HR. If the HR department isn’t able to help you or the leader, find yourself a new job.
Protect Your Mindset
Try not to allow your boss’ negative energy to transfer to you. Put a protective forcefield around your mindset and energy to help you stay focused and grateful for the positive things in your life. I’ve found that seeing your leader from a compassionate perspective is really helpful. Remember this may not be about you. They may be feeling insecure, they may have something going on at home, perhaps their bosses have always led this way so they think they’re doing well. When you look at your boss compassionately (as hard as that may be), it helps to de-escalate the situation for YOU. I don’t remember where I read it (Mel Robbins, perhaps?) but I found this advice helpful; instead of starting a sentence with “I have to …” start with “I get to …”. It’s a mindset game-changer.
Be Above the Gossip
Don’t get sucked into a negative gossip vortex about your boss with co-workers. If you need to vent and share how you’re feeling, ask a close friend or family member to help by listening. If you’re leading your own team, you are a role model and need to lead by example. It’s important for them to feel supported by you and it won’t reflect well on you to get involved in the negative talk. Manage this in a respectful and professional manner. From an outside perspective, or someone who may be considering hiring you, how would they rate how you’re handling the situation?
Keep Doing Excellent Work
No matter what your boss says, if you know you’re doing excellent work, it will get noticed by others in your company. Why would you damage your credibility by handing in mediocre work just because you think they don’t like you? Or to prove a point? Why give someone else your power? Keep. Doing. The. Work.
Also, if you have a team under you, be the leader to them that you wish you had. You have a poor leader, so learn from it! Write down the way your boss makes you FEEL. Then write down what you’ll do to prevent your team from feeling that way, or if they do, how you’ll ensure they’re comfortable talking to you about it.
Lastly, YOU ARE NOT STUCK. You have the power to change your situation, and it’s amazing how a little step like updating your resume or being honest with your boss can help re-energize you. Taking baby steps to improve your situation helps kick-start the momentum to improve your life.